I like cheese. Nay, I love cheese. The only kind that I have conclusively determined tastes like old socks is ‘bleu cheese’, and I’ve never actually eaten bleu cheese by itself, just the unacceptable dressing.

Sharp cheddar, medium cheddar, mild cheddar, smoked swiss, mozzarella, queso blanco, colby, monterey jack, American, White American, goat cheese, Velveeta… I have had feta a few times and like it in dishes but not so much on salads, cottage cheese, ricotta… I got to be a parmesan snob when I discovered that the grated parmesan stuff in a plastic shaker on the shelf is NOT the same as the triangle stuff in the cooler, but is still superior to no parmesan at all… Cheese spread is amazing. Canned cheese is a travesty. I have a cousin named Brie (Brion, actually, but people call her cheese instead of steak, usually) but have never actually tasted that particular kind of cheese. I happened to be grocery shopping the other day, and found a thingie of ‘ALL NATURAL BRIE CHEESE’. That’s what the package said, anyway. I figured if it was a soft cheese it was at least somewhat spreadable, and if it was cheese, it had good odds of being delicious. So, I found some crackers and initiated the experiment.

Inside the cardboard package, I found the cheese encased in some waxed paper, which made sense to me for freshness, but after I opened, that I thought, “Oh no, it’s got sticky paper on it, too.” So, I attempted to peel off the paper. Er, apparently that’s not paper, it’s some kind of either coating or part of the cheese. The packaging gave no indications other than wine and fruit pairings, so I gave up on trying to get it off and cut in to it.

This does not spread. it’s sort of soft, but not that soft. My initial cut was more of an intended scoop, so when I discovered that, I had a weirdly messy shape. Nevertheless, I cut a little ‘slice’ and tried it on a cracker. It didn’t taste like anything very interesting. So, I tried a little slice by itself, to assess what flavor cues I was really getting other than ‘bad cracker’.

Conclusion: Brie (or at least, this brand of brie) tastes like stale, dirty refrigerator. I’m passing on the Brie portion of any future wine-and-cheese parties. Unless, you know, someone says “Oh God, the Brie I have is amazing! Here is a taste, and a huge glass of wine to wash it down.” In that case, I would probably eat stale refrigerator all night. :/

(Disclaimer: I do not, nor have I ever pretended to be some sort of food guru or expert. I’m probably all backwards for never having had brie cheese, but guess what… This is my blog.)

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