Kid Quotes

“Kids say the darndest things.” Indeed, they do! Every once in awhile, their interesting ideas are worth sharing. Dated when one is available.

AJ is singing “Bullet With A Name”, but he is singing “I gotta building with my name on it, building with my name…”

Sera was “lion taming” the cat with some sort of necklace… AJ walks up, takes the necklace out of her hand, walks back to me, and says, “And THAT’s how you deal with girls.”
I said, “Dude, if you try to deal with girls like that when you’re a grown-up…”
“Oh-ho-ho, I know, I’ll NEVER have a girlfriend!”
At least he knows the score, I guess.

“I’m stirrin it, stirrin it like a stew, I’m stirrin it like no one knows I’m you, I’m readin the ‘structions like a fish campin. I’m dancin around with my BOOOYFRIEND…” Evie is dancing around, Swiffering the dining room and making up her own song. I gotta say, I have heard pop lyrics that made /less/ sense…

Watching “The Orville” S2:E7, Isaac breaks up with Dr Claire and AJ says, “When I grow up, when I break up with a girl, That’s going to be my excuse… [robot voice] ‘I am a talking robot…’[Wanders away]”
I think AJ may have stumbled upon the standard male dating technique.

“Olin! I need to know what you were doing. Right now! … So I can tell Mom.” -Seraphine (of the crystal-clear agenda)

Me (watching an action movie): Well, there goes a hundred thousand dollars…
Evie: And thirty-nine cents!

AJ: … And then there was a HUGE TRAFFIC JAM when a guy stopped to pick up a dog that was running around…. (in rural Southwest Wisconsin)…
Me: How many cars were in this huge traffic jam?
AJ: Like… /Seven/.
Me: (lol)
AJ: But mainly it was just two guys causing it while they looked at the dog’s collar to find his owner.

AJ and Sera are currently having a very loud, dramatic fight.
Sera: I wanna be a puppy!
AJ: There are no puppies!
Sera: I. Wanna. Be. A. PUPPYYYYY!!!
AJ: There are no puppies! Evie’s not a puppy either. You can’t be a puppy.
AJ: Sera, go away.


“Mama! You gotta spank Daddy’s butt. Coz him is chainsawing in da night. Him is woodworking. Why he do dat in da night?” Sera has firm ideas about when one ought to be operating power tools.


Lance: Olin! Did you know that the way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is whether they’ll see you later or see you after awhile?
Evie: You went to college!

“Olin, The Depot is the best place in the world! It’s a never ending garage sale full of toys.”
“No, it’s not, Legoland is.”
“No, it isn’t. The Depot, you can actually get something. Legoland costs millions of dollars just to stay for a couple of days.”
AJ is not wrong.


Seraphine, explaining growing pains to her friend, “I get a headache in my leg. Yeah, and then I have to lie down and say “Be quiet!” like Mama does. Coz I have a headache.”


“If I saw a baby being born, I would put my hand like this,” Olin placed his hand over his heart, “because they could be a veteran that could save our world.”
“Olin, newborns aren’t veterans.”
“Well, he might be someday.”



The kids are playing shadow cats. AJ is “a military wolf who escaped from the civil war,” and Evie is “a helper kitty and a save-the-day kitty.”


My Bluetooth aux converter thingie’s low battery alert is beeping, and Olin is convinced that it’s a distress signal from the International Space Station. “They’re trying to contact us, Mom! They could be in trouble!”

Also, AJ says only /God/ has infinite data everywhere… Definitely not US Cellular. He’s not wrong.


[discussing the afternoon’s activities with AJ]
Me: We are going to meet the Karpouzian’s at the water park.
AJ: *gasps and points at Sera* You said that in front of her! Why do you keep calling them that?
Me: Because it’s their last name, dude…
AJ: Harpoon-zians?
Me: /Karpouzian/. Gabriel is Gabriel Karpouzian, like you are AJ Kelley.
AJ: Oh. I thought it was a bad word, like you were harpooning them, so they were Harpoon-zians.


Seraphine (from offstage): IFIMBINGINGDAABOAT!
Me: You’re turning into a boat?
AJ: She’s finding the remote. Seriously, Mom?


Seraphine is getting frustrated with the Baby Alive, because it’s too demanding. “Hold on, Baby Alive! Jes’ wait, girl, I gotta get your juice! HOLD ON!” Bahahaha


Me: 🎼”Thank heaven for little girls, for little girls get bigger every day…”
AJ: What is that?
Me: It’s from Gigi, a musical.
AJ: I can tell.
Me: Why, ‘cause it sounds like something Lance would sing?
AJ: Yeah, it sounds like ancient music.
Me: Ahh, yes, our tribal ancestors, the Gershwins…


“Where was God born?”
“Jesus was born in Bethlehem.”
“Oh, like that song! He was goooooooollllldd….” (Bethlehem Steel by Delta Rae)
“Jesus was not born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Evie.”


AJ is very, very seriously arranging a game of Little House on the Prairie. He is Pa, Evie is Ma, Evie’s dolly is Baby Carrie, Sera is pulling double duty as both Mary and Laura, and Olin is… Jack. They get the wagon all hitched and ready to go, and Evie says, “Why don’t we just take the car?”
Why, indeed.


My son said to me tonight,”I wish you were filming, when you threw that blanket down at me, and I fell over and laughed so hard. You would get so many hits.”
I said, “I don’t care about hits. If you had fun, it was fimling in your memory, and nobody else matters.”
He said, “Yeah, but it would get so many Facebook likes.”
Kinda scary.


Things I learned from my children today (and yesterday):
Paychecks are when they check your money
All things are put in the oven for 42 minutes
It’s not naughty if you’re a grown-up
Putty was the only thing we had to eat, “back in the days”.


AJ, making conversation on the way home from church: “Mom, what’s human race culture shock?”


Evie drew herself and her dolly wearing their current outfits, AND wrote her name! My little girl is getting so big.

What an artist.


Olin says he wishes I was a salamander, so I couldn’t tell him not to play Farm Simulator.


AJ: Mom, you look like somebody else with all that makeup on. Like one of those fancy girls.

… I put a little bit of eye shadow and mascara on this morning.


(Referring to a plastic shark that was given to AJ as a gift…)

AJ: Ow! This shark’s teeth are sharp!
Me: Why did you stick your finger in its mouth?
AJ: To see what would happen.
Me: … Well, now you know.


Olin wanders up to some lady on the street and holds out a root beer barrel candy, ” Look! I’ve got a wheelbarrow!”


Evie, to Sera: You’re not Elsa, you’re Un-Elsa. Elsa freezes stuff. You un-ice stuff.
Sera: Well, I got a kitty! *meows*


Reasons Seraphine cried today:
– there was a fish tank in my trunk
– swimming requires getting in the water
– I would not let her pour the boiling water
– I made brownies
– brownies do not require birthday candles

I’m sure there was more, that’s just what I witnessed. Oy vey.


AJ: (jamming out, with a green sequined fedora on his head) I’m a British man, with a bow and arrow like an Indi-an.
Lance: Your son, the indie rapper.


During our bedtime ritual tonight, I called up that I would ask Daddy to come hug and kiss them… Daddy was sound asleep, so I called up, “Daddy is sleeping, he will kiss you later.” Seraphine’s plaintive response was, “But, he’s my Daddy! Why is he sleeping? I need him!” So cute!


“I’m not scared of anything except bats, and crocodiles, and bad hair days. And thunderstorms.” – Evangeline


Evie: Get out! I’m in the bathroom! You’re a boy! GET OUT! GET OUT, STUPID MAN!
AJ is trying to wedge his way into the bathroom with his sister..
Me: What’s going on?
AJ: I have to go potty!
EVIE (wailing): I’m in here!
AJ (totally confused): She’s just looking in the mirror…
Me: Go upstairs to go potty.
AJ (wandering upstairs): But… She’s just looking in the mirror. Why would anyone just look in the mirror?
Me: You have sisters, AJ. Don’t question, just get used to it…


“Mom was really sad coz she couldn’t have any babies, but then she wished a little too hard and got four.” -AJ

He is more accurate than he realizes.


AJ: I love you, mom. *farts*
Me: What the…
AJ: That means ‘good night’ in butt language.

…. 7-year-old boys…


Evie’s accent is adorable, but occasionally confusing. Last night, she and AJ were having a disagreement. “I waede a gowwage,” she would tell AJ.
“You need a garage?”
“You don’t need a garage.”
So, I had to offer my guess, “You went to college?”
By now, she was upset. “No, Mama! I waaaaaedeh a gowaaaache!” She held up a piece of paper with googly eyes and scraps of fluff stuck to it, and I finally figured out what she was saying. “Oh! You made a collage!”
“/Yes/,” she heaved a great sigh at me and rolled her eyes, then said, “Can we put it on the fwidge?”


Olin: Can we watch model trains?
Me: No, you can watch what I’m watching.
Olin (crying): That’s too scary!
…. I’m watching Downton Abbey…


AJ keeps asking me to write down a recipe I made the other night, so he can take it to school and give it to the lunch ladies. Somehow, I don’t think they’ll be making pork marsala for the second graders.


Dad: I hate being human.
Mom: I know, being a grown-up sucks.
Olin: Why don’t you be gingerbread?


Quotes from today:
Trying to explain cable TV to Evangeline, “It’s like Netflix on the TV, except you don’t get to pick what you watch.”
Evie says, “Why would you do that?”

Practicing spelling words before supper with AJ, and Olin asks for one:
“How do you spell ‘listen’?”
Olin says, “That’s not a word!”

That explains a lot.


AJ: You know, I’ve seen jerks, and I’ve seen dorks, but you’re a real… Jerkdork!



Olin is frustrated because his attempts to “magic” his garbage truck into candy bars are not working. “Magic doesn’t work! Rrrrrgh!”


Evie, to her bear: Oh, you’re so kitschy!
Me: What does kitschy mean, Evie?
Evie: Kitschy means you ride a bus. Also, you are a kitty.


AJ, getting frustrated by his siblings: Okay! That’s it. I’m going to write down all of your names of who is harassing me. Sera, you’re first. And Evie. Evie is anNOYing. And Olin. How do you spell Olin? This is my list of who to yell at later.


AJ: Bugs are the smallest items on the planet.

Mama: Actually, sub-atomic particles are the smallest.

AJ: Yeah. Because they’re made of bugs.


AJ: Ew! Mom, Seraphine’s eating her snot with a spatula!


A conversation I overheard while we were driving to Prairie…

“I could pull my head off,” suggested Olin.

“We could take you to the hos-a-pill and they could put it back on,” AJ replied.

“Yeah, they can put it back on,” agreed Olin.

“No, Olin, if you pulled your head off, the hospital could not put it back on. You’d die.” Mama felt obligated to correct.

“Do you want to die, Olin?” AJ wondered.

“I want to see Grandpa Greg,” corrected Olin.

“The way to see Grandpa Greg is to die,” AJ asserted.

“You could pull my head off, then I could see Grandpa Greg,” Olin replied.

“We can’t do that coz then the cops would get us and we would go to jail,” AJ ended the conversation definitively.


Evie, perched on a kitchen chair, sans diaper: “Look at my pretty butt! Look at my pretty butt!”

It has begun.


Evangeline has found one of Tim’s ear plugs from work (like, a bright green, squishy bullet-shaped foam thingie) and is carrying it around, ‘taking care’ of it. She left it on the table when she came to get some crackers, and came running back to retrieve it a few moments later, yelling, “My baby! My baby!”


Entirely too early this morning: “Hey? Mom? What’s a tax write-off?” Apparently, someone was listening to Mama and Daddy’s conversation, yesterday…


Was upstairs, trying to coax #1 out of the bath tub and keep #3 out long enough to refresh the water, when I hear a supersonic scream from #2, followed by hysterical crying from #4. Apparently, AJ whacked his forehead in to the counter at full force, “to see what would happen.” He was totally offended when I lol’ed.


The first thing AJ told me this morning was, very seriously, “Mom, you have to have SEVERAL birthdays to be a grownup.”


Mama: What did you say?
Olin: What did you say?
Mama: What did you say.
Olin: What did YOU say?
Mama: I said, ‘what did you say?’
Olin: Augh! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Mama: (laughing) Olin, I said, ‘What did you say.’
Olin: A lawn mower! A lawn mower!


This afternoon after swimming Olin found out we were headed to the park. He started bouncing up and down in his seat and doing the “Olin-style” flap dance. From the back seat, I hear AJ say, “Slow down, Olin! Slow down, slow down! If you get too excited, your brain will be COMPLETELY erased!”


AJ, reading his Veggie Tales bible this morning, “You can go swimming in a lake, but you might find a baby who is SOAKING WET!” Not the takeaway sentiment I would have remembered, but a good point nonetheless.


AJ just told me an incredibly serious story about how rocket-powered flying dump trucks pushed back the smell of chocolate so that we could all live on Earth. He was dead serious and insists that his teachers taught him this. I’m not sure whether I should marvel at his creative skills, his lying skills, or wonder about the school system.


AJ came to sit on my lap and I asked him, “How much do you love me?”
He thought about it for awhile, then said, “Sixteen.”
“Sixteen? Well, who can argue with that?” I said.
“Olin.” AJ said firmly. “He’s the Questionator. That’s what the bus driver says, because he asks a hundred million million questions.”
Indeed, he does. hehehe


“There’s something wrong with my oatmeal, Mama. When I blow on it and the wind stops, the hot air comes back. There’s something wrong. That’s ree-dic-alous.” -AJ

Sherry and I were talking about baking soda, and AJ goes running in to the kitchen, “Bacon soda?!? I never seen that before!”

“This is my flat porn truck,” says AJ, “It gots its flat porn out on the street.”
“….” says Mama, “You mean platform?”
AJ looks blank for a minute. “Oh. Yeah. Flat porn.”
“Okay, then.”

Olin takes a looong drink, sighs, and wipes his brow, “Watching you mow is hard work.”

AJ cries and hops around.
Olin: You got blood?
AJ: No, no blood. I just hurt my foot.
Olin: Oh. I call the doctor and Mama and Lancey.
Olin whips a toy cell phone out of his underwear.
Olin: Hello, doctor? AJ hurt his foot. You come right ‘way.
Olin stuffs the phone back in his underwear.
Olin: The doctor coming. Oh! I call Lancey.
Olin pulls out the phone, again.
Olin: Hello, Lancey? You at work or on a trip? HEY BE QUIET I ON THE PHONE! You go bike riding? Gotta go on the trail and take AJ to the doctor and put him in the drain. Okay.

Olin says with a dramatic sigh, “I love Grandpa Greg. He do nice things like mow the lawn.”
And the ever inquisitive, “Why you like to say ‘no’ at me? Why Mamas do dat?”

Olin: You got blood? Let me see your blood!
AJ: Okay!
Olin: Is that your blood?
AJ: Yeah.
Olin: You got some more?
AJ: Yeah.
Olin: Let me see it!
AJ: No!
Olin: Let me seeeeee it!
AJ runs away: No! No!
Olin gives chase: Let me seeeeeeee iiiittt!

Olin is doing the “Look at me!” and the “Why?” phases simultaneously, so we get exchanges like:
Olin: Look at me, Mama!
Mama: I’m looking!
Olin: Why?
Mama: Uh… Coz you asked me to.
Olin: Why?
Mama: … I don’t know.

*AJ comes down the stairs*
Mama: Were you good upstairs?
AJ: Yeah.
Mama: Did you stay out of my room?
AJ: Yeah.
Mama: If I go upstairs, will I find cookies under your bed?
AJ: *pause* Uh. Don’t go upstairs.

AJ: Can I put my crackers on you?
Mama: No. I’m your mother, not a table.
AJ: Oooohhhh…

AJ and Olin are watching Mighty Machines and I hear them say, “That’s like Grandma ‘s car! That’s like Daddy’s car!” Then I realize they’re watching the crusher in the scrapyard episode.

AJ, sitting on a pile of toys: I’m laying eggs. Monster truck eggs. See? *pulls out a couple of trucks* These are my babies.

At lunch time, Olin says, “Mama, go work on your e-mail.” “Why? So you can dip your sandwich in your milk and make a mess?” “Uh huh!” lol

AJ: Evie’s awake. You better go get her.
Mama: Why don’t you go get her?
AJ: ‘Cause I can’t reach her outta her crib.
Mama: Well, go talk to her until I get there.
AJ: Okay. I’ll sing her Twinkle Little Star. *wanders off* Evie! I’m coming!

Mama: I absolutely promise, AJ, that if you take off your shoes, no one will steal your feet.
AJ: But… Can I keep my socks on so no one takes them?

Olin woke me up at 6:30AM to tell me that there is a planter in our shed.

Olin has a ‘sweeper attachment’ (a broom on a rope) tied to his little ride-on tractor, and is ‘mowing’ the front yard. At 6:30 in the morning. teeheehee

Olin has a tendency to repeat things ad nauseum. The other day, he was singing “Jingle Bells” (and that meas just those two words, not eve the whole song) in preschool and driving one of his teachers nuts. She threatened to put him in the garbage, which he tested, and got carried to the garbage can. Now, “Jingle Bells” is the funniest joke ever.

AJ: What is that?
Lancey: Angel food cake.
AJ: What does it taste like?
Lancey: It tastes like angels.

Told AJ he has a brain inside his head that makes him smart. He got mad, and said, “No! I don’t! That doesn’t make sense!” and stomped away…

“Have you seen a poop super hero? That would be silly. But… … I’m a poop hero!” -AJ

Mama: *sings* I am a pirate king! Ha ha for the pirate king! And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a pirate king!
AJ: You’re not a pirate king, Mama.
Mama: I’m not?
AJ: *serious headshake* No. Maybe next time.

Mama: If you watch too much TV, your eyes will hurt.
AJ: No, they won’t. My eyes will be better if I watch a lot of TV and iPad.

Mama: I’m a triceratops!
AJ: I’m a pteranodon!
Mama: What kind of dinosaur are you, Olin?
Olin: Dinosaur Train!

AJ: Uh, Mom? We don’t really like your singing.
Olin: *nodding seriously* Uh huh.

Me: *playing Castleville*
AJ: No more playing games, Mama. Games are only for lobsters.

AJ’s excuse for not going potty, today… “My butt is too strong to go potty, and my pee is having lunch in my butt.” …. Oohhhkay, then.

AJ’s plan for the day: “So, the plan is… I will say, ‘Rescue robots to the rescue!’ and then you will be a helicopter, and I will be a fire truck.”

AJ: Don’t cry, you guys!
Mama: We miss our mama.
AJ: You can’t miss Mama. Don’t cry.
Mama: But, Olin wants to cry. What should we do?
AJ: Um, take him to the hospital.

Olin is running in circles in the living room, stark naked, squealing, “A bug on me! A bug on me!” I told him, “Well, flick it off…” and he said, “No! I keeping it!” and continued to dance around.

AJ: I’m hungry, Mama!
Mama: You just had a snack. You’re going to have to wait until supper.
AJ: *crying* But, I don’t agree!
Mama: You don’t agree?
AJ: *still crying* I don’t agree!

Olin’s turn for a funny… He wandered up to me this morning and showed me an enormous booger, then wandered away. I said, “Hey! Bring that here,” and got out a tissue. “No bring-it-here. Mine!” he said, and ran away. hehehe

We had to ask Olin the age-old question: “Cake or death?” “Cake!” he says, “What kind of cake? Train cake?”

I asked Olin who he voted for at school, and he said, “Robomney.” Indeed.

AJ’s quote for the day: He is snuggling in my bed, and I lie down next to him and attempt to give him a hug. “No! Get up, Mama! You have to stand up. The floor is strong for you.” o.0

Snuggling with me last night, AJ pets my hair and says, “You’re my best friend, Mama! Your hair is so pretty, and your teeth are so… Chompy!”

One child is chasing the other through the house, wielding a helicopter, screaming, “Stop, Olin, stop! You need to be rescued! Stoooop!”

AJ said he hurt his head, and I asked him if we should chop it off… His response: “Yeah… Where’s the scissors?”

AJ is running his ambulance in to his school bus, “Woo, crash!” and then scolding it, shaking a finger, “You leave him alone!”

AJ must have an ear infection – he’s so dizzy, this morning, he can’t even sit up straight. “Mama, What happened to the house? Gotta fix it!” he says.

AJ called me a “meanie no-no Mama” tonight, because I wouldn’t let him have a cookie, cereal bar, banana, chips, or anything else he asked for.

AJ likes the sound of his own voice. I have to admit, we sort of encourage it. He goes in the kitchen and says, “More bana? More bana? More bana? More bana? More bana? More bana?” … And we follow him in, and say, “You want some more banana?” …… Here’s your sign.

My 1 1/2-year-old is dancing around the living room, beat-boxing ‘pickle’. “Pick-a-picka-pickle! Wika-picka-wika-wickle! PICK-le!”

August 21, 2014Molly

One Response to Kid Quotes

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.