Existential Update (Blog-wise, anyway)

I haven’t posted much, lately, because I’ve been out doing Everything(TM), and taking some  photos and imagining more posts, but being too exhausted to achieve them at the end of the day.

I’ve been riding my bike enough miles that someone who doesn’t ride at all would say, “Oh my goodness,”… Someone who rides seriously would say,  “You’ve barely started.”

I’ve been working enough to keep gas in my van for appointments and help with groceries on the table, and try to keep the house mostly within health code recommendations when I’m home, and too much to be an amazing Bullshit (ie Pinterest/Craft Activity) Mom but not enough to be a legitimate Working Mom.  I’ve indulged my Olin-fueled model train hobby in some unique personal triumphs that would matter only to hobbyists with similar interests, but won’t become good blog posts until fall. In short, I think, I’ve been kind of a real person. I’m not a specialist. I don’t have a blog you can follow for an ‘interest’.

I’ve done what I was able for my kids, and secretly enjoyed getting away from them when I ‘had to’ work, while at the same time fretting that my time away couldn’t pay for the time that they spent elsewhere, and worrying about how that time was judged by other people. “Don’t worry about it,” is so much easier said than done. I try that mantra every day.

I have a couple of great photos of the kids (in my amateur, starter opinion) from events that I could take some time to try for the pics, and absolutely none from the times that I was having an amazing evening myself, or actively participating in a family activity. The problem of an amateur photographer with standards, I suppose.

I used to post livejournal[(LJ), which is dead] updates about what I did almost every day. I still imagine writing about my day, but I realize that people don’t have the patience to take in written word, and don’t care unless you sanitize to 140 characters or less and only the best parts. I miss the freedom to write to a group of ‘friends’ who may or may not read my whole diatribe, but who would either comment or not, but not simply troll. My concession to cater to the ‘new’ interested party who wants v-logs is to try to accompany each post with semi-relevant photos. I want to live my life in a way that I can remember and reflect, but not in Real-Time, and especially not for someone else’s predatory amusement.

This blog is public mostly because I recognize that no one but my mother and selected (reminded) friends will read it, but also because I miss the ability to write my soul and get a feeling, if someone cares, about that experience. I suppose my greatest fear is trolls for the sake of trolling. And those are many. Someone who reads, and thinks, and understands that I’m a real person, too… Those are few. And those are the readers that I hope for, in the small windows that I post. So… You know.

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