All those things that come out of my mouth that I would never have imagined I would need to say out loud… Mostly involving not eating something that’s clearly not food. I also threw in some commentary snippets and short incidents.
3/18/19
Olin: Is there anything I can eat?
AJ: Mom, I’m hungry.
Me: Here, have some peanut butter crackers. [AJ takes some.]
Olin: Can I have the cat?
Me: Sure, eat the cat.
[Olin grabs the cat and skitters upstairs.]
AJ: Mom…
Me: Some people eat cat.
AJ: Mo-om….
Me: Well, I don’t know how to cook cat, but maybe Olin does…
AJ :MO-OM!
12/24/18
“Babysitting someone’s baby without them asking is called kidnapping.” – Me, attempting to mediate the Baby Doll Wars
12/2/18
Me: Evangeline! Do not throw a bag of pasta into my purse! What is wrong with you?
Evie: I didn’t /throw/ it.
Me:… That is not the part of that you were supposed to notice as wrong….
07/10/18
Trying to explain the difference between “paper towels” and “papal towers”… Shouldn’t have tackled that one. 
3/6/18
Me: Can you unstick the zipper on my hood, please?
Him: You want it on, or off?
Me: On, please.
Him:
He zipped it.
3/6/18 (during a weeklong school cancellation due to blizzards)
If there is no school again tomorrow, somebody please bring me a bottle of Captain and a tranquilizer gun.
2/4/18
It’s like God Himself knew that the one thing I can’t deal with is vomit, so He sent every creature I have to deal with to puke, hour by hour, in any area that I thought safe. Your transporation? Let’s cover that with the insides of someone’s guts. Your living room? Bah, that’s not sacred. Your bed? Hah! Let the least among you wait until you are well and truly asleep to sing his huh-huh-hearth-song into your ear.
1/16/18
I fed my child a sandwich made with white cottage bread, American cheese and margarine, and he complained that it was “too spicy”. *headdesk*
1/11/18
AJ is clipping his own toenails. I feel like that should be a developmental milestone.
10/11/17
Listening to “Lights Out” by Breaking Benjamin (never heard this song before)… I seriously thought it was “I will remember how you scream, “I can’t afford the cab, I can’t afford the cab.”
Hey, man, taxis are expensive, right?
9/21/17
Another thing I never thought I’d have to ask: “What kind of human being takes the cheese off their pizza and uses it to scrub the table? … And their face…”
Answer: the Olin kind.
3/29/17
It’s 9:30 on a Wednesday night. To chill out, I am: studying track plans for model trains. I’m a 72-year-old man, trapped in a 35-year-old woman’s body.
2/26/17
My son is an evil genius. He figured out the password to the fridge lock, and then figured out how to reset the thing, and RESET IT to “LLLLL”. We had to take the whole lock mechanism off to get into the refrigerator. Also, in my investigation, I found a list of lock passwords stuck to the side of the fridge! This child is going to do terrifying things.
2/4/17
“Olin Kelley, you cannot milk a pig!”
… The things this kid decides to argue about…
1/27/17
“Olin… Fruit snacks and chocolate milk should only be combined after they’re in your belly.”
1/20/17
I keep mishearing the lyrics to Doc Holiday by Volbeat, and thinking they’re saying, “Let me introduce you to myself… Dichotomy!” I think I like my version. It could make just as much sense as any other random rock song does.
1/3/17
The Sims is my guilty indulgence… I can fast-forward their lives. Playing it tonight: the nanny was at home with the infant while Mom, Dad and older brother were away. Maid arrives to clean the house, but dies in the middle of her duties… The Grim Reaper showed up to claim her soul, and then proceeded to have a conversation with the nanny until the baby started crying. There is now a random urn in my Sims’ living room.
12/23/16 (Not funny, but worth saving anyway!)
Today was a very special day. Today, fifteen years ago, I married a man who has been my closest friend, my cornerstone. I didn’t know, then, that he would be, but he has been the earth that allows me to bloom, and the solid bed to land when I have fallen. I am blessed to have him in my life. I love him very much; he is the rock by which I set my compass. He is the captain of our misfit-crewed ship. He is the safe place that I touch when there isn’t another. Thank you, Tim. I love you!
10/19/16
You know you are hardcore adulting when: your major victory for the week is getting 48 rolls of Cottonelle toilet paper and a 60 oz box of Cascade delivered to your door for $17.59. 
5/21/16
Get out the ‘frigerator
Get out my dear
Get out the ‘frigerator
You don’t belong in here
Well, I know you’re hungry but it won’t be long
Just stand right here and sing this song
Get out, get out, get out, get out the ‘frigerator
The most unexpected things turn into impromptu musical numbers in this house… ^.^
9/27/16
“Don’t suck on the bomb!”
8/20/16
Olin: When will Gabriel ‘night me?
Me: When he becomes the Queen of England.
AJ: It’s “invite”, Olin.
Olin: Yeah, when will the Queen of England invite me?
Me: Maybe if you grow up and buy a shrimp boat, Olin.
On Saturday mornings, I only speak in pop culture references. -.-
4/14/16
“Seraphine Jeanette, come back here, or I’m going to /brush your hair/…” Real threats.
2/15/16
9/18/15
“Having your lunch heated up is not a valid reason for crying.”
5/21/15
A couple from this week:
“Olin, stop eating garbage off the floor. Your supper is on the table.”
And,
“That is a chainsaw, Evie, not an ice skate.”
And this afternoon:
I was at the park with the kids today when the guy pushing his toddler on the swing next to us suddenly grabbed his chin and exclaimed, “I just got kicked in the face!”
“Yep.” I said, then added very seriously, “Welcome to parenthood.”
1/30/15
“Do not microwave your Power Ranger.”
1/25/15
“AJ, do not paint on the walls with pineapple juice.”
10/19/14
“Stop petting your hot dog and eat it!”
9/15/14
“Seraphine, don’t chew on the ninja!”
7/11/14
“Stop licking the machete!” (Not said to a child, thank goodness, but I’m still trying to figure out why the cat liked it so much.)
7/6/14
“Seraphine, eat your chicken. Don’t scrub your shoe with it.” Also, “Seraphine, don’t poke your french fry between your toes.” Creative toddler eating, I guess.
6/30/14
“Jesus did not spill the maple syrup.”
6/25/14
Olin is on a roll, today… Thought he went outside. Nope. He’s in the kitchen, mixing “‘gredients to make something good”. Olive oil, cheese, a strawberry and some Comet. Yummy! At least it was IN the cup, I guess.
Also on the list of things I never thought I’d have to say: “Olin! Don’t wipe your face on your cheese. Good grief!”
11/20/13
“Potty seats are not for eating.”
“Evie, get your chips out of your diaper.”
“AJ, don’t drive on the cheese.”
“Please stop eating your sister!”
1/24/11
“Olin, stop eating that book! You had supper, already!”
The statement that started the list:
“Olin, do NOT blow your nose on your bread.”
August 21, 2014Molly